February I launched myself into my new venture- I was excited. I had purpose in life. I love working. People think I work too hard but truth is- I enjoy it. Its therapeutic for me. But then I got obsessed in it and started I didn't realize I was hurting people. I get too into my zone and start to brush off everything else as secondary. The truth was I was already in depression, self hate whatever you call it. Truth was I was too scared to admit I'd gotten used to having someone there for me all the time.
Flash forward to May... May was a normal month but I was realizing things were not perfect in my love life. I remember having a sickening feeling in my gut one night thinking I may be too late. Maybe I'd been the ignoring the obvious. My instincts were right. What hit me first was how scared I was- I keep a very high wall around me and even my friends are kept at a cautionary distance. I realized I'd let someone in all the way and when they left I had nothing. I had maybe 2 friends that knew about him but we kept "us" in a bubble. No one really knew or understood what I was going through.I couldn't wrap my head around how a person cpuld just flip a switch and be so cold to someone they thought was their world. To the outside world I was the same old person- joke busting and always smiling. Inside I was dying- I used to hear about "heartache" but it exists. Its like someone literally is squeezing your heart. Working out was now my savior
July 22nd was one of the worst days of my life. In hindsight I realized that ALL my worst days occurred on my family's and friends birthdays. I took my mother out for her birthday and was dying the entire time. I had taken her to our favourite place. His memory was everywhere. I was going such a terrible turmoil in my soul I texted him but instead of sympathy I was brushed off. I sensed how he just wanted to get on with his life and how now I was just a nuisance, a hindrance a reminder of a past he didn't want to remember because he was with her now. But it was a pivotal day too. I realized it was time to take someone off the pedestal cause I was no longer on theirs.Then to my surprise along came someone I would never in my wildest dreams have thought would help me. He was a great friend who distracted me and had an instinctive way of calling me when I was zoning out.He doesn't know it but he helped me through so much.
Soon I was feeling better about myself... I looked better I had become more social I took care about how I dressed. I was slowly healing but I missed my best friend. I constantly worry for him for he has a personality that draws you in but with an intensity that leaves you drained. More than that he is closed- he rarely opens up. I alternated between cussing and worrying about him in my head. I guess I thought he would always be there for me and he wasn't. My work was going through slowly but surely. Sometimes I just wanted to be alone and drink. I know it sounds cliche but it helped.
Slowly getting back in the game I realize how grown up I am. I was even told "Your like a 28 yr old in a 21 yr old body" I guess that's a compliment cause sexy just ain't my thing. I went through mood swings- I'd be hyper then super low. I had found a replacement to the "best friend" slot in my life. He ended fucking my life up though. He ended up revealing that he really only cared about himself and feathering his nest even if it he knew he hurt other people, bros. I guess I get that- but I don't respect it. I always feel like I just put myself out there and no one really has got my back when I need a hug. If I met me one year back I'd be disgusted with myself. Never did I see myself as someone's friend with benefits, a fuck buddy. I saw myself in a stable relationship doing the long time dating thing
Finally I met with the man that had haunted me for so long... to my surprise he seemed nervous. Apparently I'd haunted him too. I felt nothing but deep sadness. I still don't know if it was for him or for us. I knew in my heart I would always be there for him because he is a good person- hes my favourite person but even good people fuck up. It just hurts more cause you don't expect it. That being said, he'll always have one person in his corner and I will always be in his. I guess people deal with emotions differently cause he never needed help from me- he is fine. Sometimes I wanna tell him being strong and being closed are not the same.
Now as I end this year I wonder what this year taught me. It taught me to accept that things won't always be in your favour, That shit happens for a reason. I learnt that there are many soul mates in a person's life.They come and go. I learnt I'm not as strong as I thought I would be at 21 and that my life is nothing like what I pictured. I learnt life is hella ironic. Jan 23rd has me either running away or holing myself in but that is next year and things will get better :) To everyone who's year didn't shape up the way they thought it would, lets just remember sometimes you gotta hurt a little to appreciate whatcha got and when a new opportunity arises don't be afraid to grab it- you do not want to become a passing ship in the night.